“Do you know you have a weight problem?”

Recently, my husband were invited to a party. As ever, I was in a quandary about what to wear. My son’s college graduation was a few weeks away and I had purchased seven (yes, 7) dresses to choose from. I finally settled on one I loved. As the graduation got closer, I realized I had lost some weight and needed a smaller size (insert joyous jig here!). That smaller size arrived the day before the party, so I thought I’d give it a trial run. As Everett and I left the house I felt attractive and happy.

We arrived at the party and started enjoying ourselves and, at one point, I decided to go spend a little time with our friends’ elderly father who was sitting alone. We engaged in some general conversation as he is experiencing difficulty with memory, and that lasted about 5 minutes or so. Some other friends arrived and I stood to greet them and this man spoke in an incredibly loud voice to me and said, “Do you know you have a weight problem?” and then to my husband and friends, “She has a weight problem. Do you see she has a weight problem?”

I wanted to a) punch him, and b) push the “Omega 13” button, and c) well, tell him off. None of these were options. I am sure I blushed, but I turned to him and said, “Thank you so much for telling me! I wouldn’t have known otherwise.” He reiterated his claim and, at that point, I just had to walk away. Several times over the course of the evening one of the friends who heard the whole thing felt she had to bolster my confidence. I appreciated that she wanted me to feel better and know I was beautiful no matter what. It was kind. However, the man’s remarks – no matter his mental state – revealed more about his nature than my perceived shortcomings. His remarks did not make me feel bad about myself, because who I am is constant.

My weight is something I can change…something I am changing. It is something I suspect will continue to challenge me throughout my life.  At the moment I am on a downward trend. I have gotten the portions under control and I am ravenously devouring vegetables. I drink so much water that I had to change my garden to a drought tolerant model to compensate for my consumption! I continue to bike and go to Bar Method classes with continued dedication and enthusiasm. I’ve been helping my son move back home (the college graduate!) which means lots of reorganizing the attic and lifting of heavy things. I feel strong.

I read an interesting article about BMI – Body Mass Index – today. Clearly, as it stands, BMI has never been a good way to measure lean body mass. I remember once when I first started teaching aerobics a woman said to my employer, “Why do you let a fat girl teach aerobics?” To his credit, my employer came to my defense and explained that I was definitely not fat. He threw down the gauntlet, too. He arranged a body composition test that included both caliper and water immersion testing. I had 11% body fat to her 25%. That shut her up. But here’s the thing – she had a smaller frame and probably wore a smaller size than I did, so she assumed she was in better condition. That’s why – even now – I don’t worry too much about BMI. I know my lean muscle mass is increasing and, as the fat slooooooowly melts off, those lean muscles are being revealed. It’s actually quite cool to experience.

It seems, too, that women are rising up against the machine. We are not going to let the beauty standards of the fashion industry dictate our personal beauty or self-worth. Companies like Title Nine are using real life women to model their athletic wear.  Sure, those women are in seriously good shape, but they represent a healthier perspective. Dove has the “real women” campaign that celebrates diverse body types. Women are blogging and starting companies that cater to a broader range of sizes. Things are changing. It is cool to eat healthily and exercise. I know I make an effort to make plans with friends that either include us playing or moving together, or, at least, get me moving to get to the meeting place. I don’t want to have to think about exercising – I want it to be naturally incorporated into my daily life.

Well, speaking of moving, it’s time to go cook up some veggies. 

Spring

So, now that I am living a more active life, I am incredibly frustrated when I cannot exercise. March and the beginning of April have been extremely trying. I joined the Bar Method Berkeley’s March fitness challenge – 4 classes per week for 4 weeks. Easy. I’ve been attending 4 or 5 classes per week for a while now. First 2 weeks in the bag and then I came down with a nightmare of the flu/cold. Four full days in bed and then only out on the 5^th day to get supplies then hunker back down. Then my husband got it – and his was a more severe version with a constant headache and fever. Fun times. I had plans with long-time friends visiting from Australia coinciding with my son’s Spring Break…so I’d already booked a trip to L.A. Drove down and had a good time – lots of walking – but no classes. Was totally ready to get back in action that Thursday, but got a lovely second – albeit milder – dose of the flu symptoms. Sent my son back to school (last quarter of college!) and went back to bed. Woke up Monday morning having coughed myself into back spasms and have been dealing with that all week. Can’t sit/stand/lie down for any significant time. I know it will resolve on its own, but I am SO frustrated. I guess the good news is that I miss activity. There was a time when I was content just sitting around – no more.   

One beautiful thing is that it has been raining like mad here in the Bay Area. I planted my tulips and replanted the irises late so my garden is ablaze with color. I’ve been able to enjoy the abundance of blooms in the garden and have accepted the weeds as…ummm…ground cover. Yeah, that’s it. Ground cover. Maybe I will get on top of the garden this year and in 2015 it will be weedless color! Goals are good!

Short entry, but here are some photos to brighten your day: a purple bearded iris...a snoozly puppy avoiding the rain...a tumble of parrot tulips after an April rain. Hope they make you happy! Must find a semi-comfortable position in which to rest now. Argh!

Feeling Bad Ass. Yup. I said it.

I am feeling rather bad ass these days. There, I said it. In 8 months I have gone from a blob of gelatinous, aching, middle-aged flesh to an active, reducing-in-size/increasing-in-strength (still middle-aged) woman. I feel SO fantastic. I am now riding my bike an average of 30 miles per week. I take 5 one hour Bar Method classes per week (ok, to be truthful, I just upped my participation to this level a couple of weeks ago). I enthusiastically walk the dog – not that that counts as exercise, LOL! I go to the occasional yoga class. I walk everywhere in my neighborhood. I go to and from the grocery store on my bike. This past weekend I went for an additional 11.5 bike ride with my husband just because we could. I cannot imagine wanting to do that a year ago. Well, no, I might have wanted to, but I would not have been able. I am happy every day. I wake up in a good mood.

However, it makes me angry that I let things fall apart so badly. I can blame no one else. The first two years of what I think of as my epic decline were, for the most part, dedicated to caring for those I love and neglecting myself. At the time it was the very right choice. However, sitting around for a further FOUR years letting my body go to seed was a very, very, very poor choice. It’s hard to recognize your own depression, but I’m pretty sure that’s what that funk was. I have spectacular coping mechanisms and those allowed me to function well on a daily basis, but definitely left me with no desire or energy to exercise. I did manage to diet successfully – over and over.  ;-P

The fact is I have always enjoyed being physically active. As a child I played outside all the time. The kids in my neighborhood walked to and from school (we lived on steep hills), and on the weekends we rode our bikes for miles – no cell phones, only freedom! We played kick-the-can until late at night, hide-and-seek, and ran up and down those hills like wild things. If we wanted a treat – maybe a Slurpee or something – we had to walk downhill a mile or two and then back up. No wonder we were so healthy! It really was an idyllic childhood and I am grateful for it.

Now that I have become more active again I am noticing some nuanced changes in my body. I have adjusted my expectations of change and begun to celebrate the tiny changes. Just this week I felt my rectus abdominus muscles engage fully. They took their sweet time making a comeback, but come back they did! Those muscles make up the center line of the six-pack in your abdomen and when they finally engage it feels like you have the strongest abs in the universe. Mine are still buried under 6 inches of flab, but they are there and they are engaging! It is a victory. My waist may be making a reappearance…it’s too soon to tell, but it feels like that is happening. The belly bulge is now fully lifted – it only took 8 months, but I did it. It’s still there, but it no longer spends time in my lap. Go ahead – laugh! My arms don’t jiggle anymore. My skin seems better all over. I attribute this to both increased circulation and dry brushing. (Learn how to do that here: Dry Skin Brushing) These changes my not be visible to anyone but me, but they are monumental and hard earned. I really work for it.

The other day I was talking with Helen, the owner at The Bar Method in Berkeley. We were talking about appreciating changes and how, no matter your size, you can appreciate the changes that the exercises are making. Helen and I couldn’t be of more different body types (I think I make 2.5 of her), but as an instructor she really understands how bodies change. I made an offhand, joking remark about the appearance of fitness and she made a very lovely remark: “Neither of us is not fit.” That really made me smile. All day.  

Something else has made me smile all week: the other women at The Bar Method. I have gotten to know some amazing people there. Students come in all shapes and sizes and come with the same level of dedication. We are happy to toil together to make changes in our fitness and overall health. These women are of all ages, all levels of fitness, and all types of bodies. Several of them have paid me amazingly kind compliments this past week. To a couple of lovely ladies who have commented on my youthful appearance, I say this: you are too kind and I cannot take the credit. I owe it to my parents for their genetic contribution. Here’s a picture of my mom and dad at 81 (Mom) and 86 (Dad) at Halloween. I kinda got lucky.

I still feel incredibly fortunate…there’s much good in the universe if you just let yourself appreciate it.