Dear Sugar: We need to talk…

Sugar, we have been virtually inseparable for 55 years. You have been there when I craved tasty, sweet morsels of delight…you helped me learn to love coffee…sweetened my saddest days with delicious pints of Ben & Jerry’s. You have been the best. But, Sugar, we have to have a serious talk. Yes, that talk.

About 6 weeks ago I eliminated you from my coffee and eschewed your added presence in my food. I’m not sure I was even conscious that I had left you…I was just trying to stick to my food plan. Honestly, I didn’t mean for it to be that abrupt...you’ve been there for me and I should have let you down easy. For two weeks I was without you and, oddly, I did not miss you. Then I took a week off from my eating plan, but still, I did not crave your sweet taste. So, I went back on my plan for another two weeks…five whole weeks without you and I lost almost 20 pounds. I am not blaming you for that 20 pounds, I am merely suggesting that you contributed.

But my birthday was lurking around the corner and I couldn’t imagine a celebration without you! We’d had such a blast on all the other ones! We could party all day and night and through the following days. You’d come over in the shape of a deliciously frosted cake and we would hang out until you were ­all gone. Every single morsel. I loved you. I craved you. OMG, I wanted to spread your frostinged self all over everything! So, I ordered the giant butter cream frosted Costco cake. The one with the maximum frosting, you know, the caterpillar! Globs of buttery sweetness just waiting to be scarfed. No one would dare claim a super-frosted bit of cake. I negotiated with Collier to take part of the cake immediately to his workplace. I then got to work on justifying eating the majority of the frosting. “Oh, I’ll just eat frosting, no cake. I don’t like the cake much anyway.”  SUGAR! You siren! You were luring me to the reef of destruction!

In a moment of extreme strength, I called Costco and cancelled you. That’s right. I made a decision to save myself. But that wasn’t enough of a hint for you. No. You couldn’t take it that I was choosing to avoid you. So you showed up in those blondies that Collier made. Damn you, Sugar! I ate three of you and…OMG…the love came flooding back. Yeah, I know you were wrong, but I forgave you. I took you back. You tasted amazing in your warm, gooey goodness all dribbled with caramel. I remembered all the good times. And then I got a massive stomach ache and headache. I knew it. I just knew it. That’s it. We’re through.

And then the birthday arrived. I tried to avoid you, but I got sadder and sadder as the day progressed. Finally I caved and bought you in the form of über-frosted cupcakes in horrid neon colors. Tiny cupcakes. I ate 3 of you. Smooth, creamy, delicious. OK. Maybe we don’t have to completely stop seeing each other. Maybe we can hang out a bit. Maybe you can dress up like a Jujy Fruit or a chocolate mousse? NOOOOOOO! You made me sick to my stomach. On my birthday! I hate you!

It’s probably going to be like this for awhile until it sinks in that we’re actually through. You can come to my parties, but our co-dependent relationship is over. I’ll always think you’re beautiful, but I have a real relationship now…with my healthier self.

Be accountable

Well, my back popped out again last Saturday. I was getting dressed to go to a memorial service and bent down quickly to put on shoes and “POP” went my low back. Taking no chances for a prolonged recovery, I wrote an apology to my friend, and then got into bed with an ice pack. I had to cancel my plans for Sunday, too. Two days of ice/heat alternation and intermittent rest and walking in my house, and I got a welcome crack of things going back into place. It will likely be a few more days until I can function well, but I am pleased it’s resolving more quickly than the last time.

                I have now lost 20 pounds…in 5 weeks and 3 days…on my own. I am eating small portions, mostly protein and veggies, some fruit, no added sugar, and I switched to whole milk from skim. I log every morsel of food I consume on LoseIt.com. I am planning better for shopping, sticking to my lists, and, because of this, less impulse food is coming into the house and (I hope) it’s helping everyone.

                It’s very difficult to admit that I am still struggling with my food issues. Gone is the mindset that I will eat <insert caloric item> again once I have “finished” losing weight. News flash: I will NEVER finish. It is going to be a lifelong challenge to be vigilant and sensible. I like eating socially. My family and friends like good food, beverages, and desserts. It’s fun to share meals and go out for drinks. However, when I am home I rarely consume alcohol, and don’t have a problem eating healthy foods (it’s portion control that’s my big problem), but I do have a tendency to eat mindlessly while watching waaaaaaaay too much television at night. During this back injury interlude I’ve read two books. I forgot how hard it is to eat mindlessly when you are holding a book and turning pages! I may have rediscovered my late night eating alternative!

                It’s going to be a few more days before I can walk well again, but I can resume walking the dog in 2 days (I’m ready), and be able to drive again (that’s a sitting thing – ouch!) I am looking forward to continued weight loss – my son pointed out that if I continue at this rate I could reach goal in 24 weeks…that’s a good goal. I don’t know where I will be in 24 weeks, but I do know that I will weigh less and be healthier than today. That feels really good.

                BTW, the extreme weight loss shows are really, really helping me…watching the people utter their excuses…(one woman gained 32 pounds in 3 weeks and said, “Maybe I’m not eating enough”)…I think about my own denial and I am ashamed.  So, here is a promise I make to myself here and now: I will be accountable – for good or other. How about you?