2023. Finding myself again.

 So...it's been many years since I had the time to write a blog post. Years. Why years? Because I was overwhelmed. My dog died which left a huge hole in my heart, but also removed my reason for a daily walk. Have I ever mentioned that I feel as though I need a purpose or destination to justify a walk? So, after MinBo was gone, and the pandemic started, I divided time between working on my own business, helping with my husband's mother's care, dealing with the aftermath of a devastating fire that required nearly two years of attention, trying to be a good wife and mother, and in this process I was least attentive to my own needs. SURPRISE. As if that isn't always the case with me.

One day, maybe two years ago now, I woke up and realized I was in pain all the time. I never could sleep well because my body hurt if I lay in the same position too long. I hurt when I walked.  My knees, which had always been strong, suddenly couldn't squat. It was really devastating to feel that way, especially since I'd had much higher levels of fitness. This did not mean I stopped doing anything - including working on refurbishing a house - but I did it in pain. And then I stepped on the scale and was horrified at the number. I decided to have some bloodwork done because I wanted to make sure I hadn't done irreparable damage, and discovered that my thyroid was even more out of whack than ever and my blood sugar was inching toward prediabetes. We got my thyroid back in a good range, I lost 25 pounds (diet only), and we got a new puppy, so my (oh-so-very-slow) walks resumed. I concentrated on getting strength back in my quads with supported squats and crouching whenever possible. It worked and my knees are grateful.

There were some family transitions and, when the business was settled, my husband and I agreed that we needed to take a long-postponed trip. We both wanted to see Italy and France, so I got to planning. Six months I planned our itinerary, researched trains and hotels, and organized side trips to visit friends. About a month before we were to leave I realized I needed to get my body ready to walk, and did a little more exercise and lost a little more weight. One of my core personality traits is determination, so I knew that even if I wasn't fit enough, I would push through each day. Also, I knew that walking in Italy would take my mind off any pain I felt. 

Italy was everything I had hoped and we walk everywhere! It was gorgeous and fun and exhausting and invigorating all at once! We walked all over Rome and by the 4th day I felt more fit and ready to explore Tuscany. By Cinque Terre and Florence I was actually eager to walk all day. By Venice I was a walking warrior, and by Paris I was unstoppable. Then we came home. Despite eating and drinking everything we desired on vacation, I'd lost 7 pounds and several inches. I knew it was as simple as walking, but how could I justify walking so much without a purpose?

I resumed walking the dog every other day, and would add a personal walk each day. I accomplished decent distances, but I felt guilty about walking and not actually doing anything. I still had to make calls for work, shop, take care of the house, work in the garden...how was I going to fit in a walk for myself on top of that. And then today, an epiphany: I am the job. I am the reason. My long-term health is the goal and the purpose. How could it have taken this long to figure that out? 

Buh-bye, 2017!

I don't know about the rest of you, but I am looking forward to 2017 coming to a close. At no time in my life have I ever felt so completely dejected and angry - just because of politics. Normally, that frustration would result in a serious amount of overeating, but not this year. I actually have learned something over the past decades about my relationship with food and stress.

In early 2017 I reached what I believe was the pinnacle of stress in my life. Difficulty with a family member's future, concern about my dog's health, weight issues - again, and overwhelming angst about our political environment.

I decided I couldn't do anything but remain aware and call my Congress people about the political climate. I could also reduce my impact on the environment by recycling, walking/cycling more, creating less waste, etc. The concern about the family member was mitigated. Our family put our collective heads together and, along with the vet, found some excellent approaches to dealing with our elderly bulldog's arthritis issues. Mostly holistic, one injection, and we also discovered that my son is quite the pro at giving shots to a wiggly dog!

What remained to manage was the weight. Yet again, the weight. So, I decided to start tracking with LoseIt! again. As the level of awareness increases with the application use, the weight loss begins. I guess I lost about 5 pounds just from tracking. Then, in August, after a reunion of my husband's family, I realized that I was feeling less healthy than I'd ever felt. I feared, for the first time, oddly, that my weight was going to contribute to health problems that I would have to manage with medication. So, I decided - with that in mind - that I needed to lose the weight. Nutrisystem has always been a good way to do that for me, so I rejoined. It's been 113 days and I am down 35 pounds. This time I haven't been obsessed with adhering to the letter of the diet. I have had a couple of drinks with friends, eaten meals at restaurants, enjoyed food at parties, and holiday meals with family. I'm just eating less, logging everything (even the cocktails, people!), and doing this for my long-term health. I feel better, am sleeping better, but mostly, I'm not so worried.

It would be terrific to believe that this is the last time I will have to lose weight, but I know it isn't true. Certainly, weight is my life-long challenge. Even when I have been a group exercise instructor I've still had weight issues...so I know I will always need to be vigilant.

So, here are my thoughts going into 2018: I'm going to take a breath. Each time I am stressed - each time I am overwhelmed - each time I encounter a challenge. I am going to take a breath. I am going to make time for simple pleasures - a walk, a bike ride, a movie. I am going to listen to what my soul needs - creative time, alone time, snuggle time with my pup, family time. Also, even though I am going to eat less, I am going to eat everything! No more NO approach. From now on it's YES! (but just a little, please). Hoping yes leads to longer term success. 

Happy 2018, Everyone! 

What I have learned so far

So, since I started working on weight loss and feeling better on February 29, I have lost 22 pounds and kept it off. I am now in the next active losing phase and I want to share what I have learned. 

1. I eat more than I think I do. Duh. I wouldn’t be overweight if I consumed only for fueling. I binge and make excuses to myself and I bargain with my future self for calories ingested today. It’s like Wimpy offering to gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today. It doesn’t work that way.
2. Tracking food consumption is critical to success. One night I was having a hunger meltdown about 10 p.m. I was starving. But I had not logged my food (on the Lose It! App), so I got to it. Sure enough, I had eaten a sufficient amount of food for the day so I drank water and made a pot of tea. I did not die of starvation in the night. Shocking.
3. I feel so much better. My back seems to have recovered. My hips are still sore at the joint if I sit to long and I am fearful of quick movements, but 22 pounds has made a profound difference. There was a time when I thought I might never walk correctly again. I didn’t think I would ever run or hike…it was depressing. The longer the weight controlled my health, the more depressing my prospects were. The saddest thought was never riding my bike again. I was fortunate to be born with a strong body and I was ruining it out of total loss of self-control. 
4. Minimizing the use of extra added sugar is not even a little difficult. I eliminated sugar from coffee, tea, fruit (yeah, I sugared fruit), and cereal and I don’t even miss it. Occasionally I put raw sugar in iced tea as a treat. Wahoo! Unfortunately, this makes sweet treats almost unbearably sweet now.
5. Losing weight does not mean the end of enjoying food. I still eat everything I love. I still have cocktails and beer. Occasionally I will eat some junk food or a sweet treat. The difference is the amount and frequency of it. If you have it daily it isn’t, by definition, a treat. So treats happen infrequently and are truly savored.
6. This is the best part of all. I have a slow thyroid. Hypothyroidism runs in my family and can cause oodles of problems. I caught my decline early and it is controlled with a simple tablet each morning. It requires an annual blood test which shows the level of function. My most recent test shows a high functioning thyroid! OMG! So awesome. But that also means I cannot blame hypothyroidism for my weight. It is all on me to control my food intake and get some exercise.
7. Exercise. It’s difficult to do when you are in pain. Pain is alleviated with movement. See it? That Catch 22? Sure you do.  Up until about a month ago I could barely walk my dog. Then one day something fell into place in my spine and suddenly that no longer hurt. So I tried a short bike ride. Whee! Now I have ridden my bike many miles and I am very happy about it. I am not ready to take classes again – partially fear of re-injury and partially because I can’t trust my body completely yet.  That day is coming, though. I will have to yoga-Pilates my way back to full strength, I think.
8. Sleep. I need a full 8 hours and I am finally getting them. In a row. Every night! Hallelujah!

So, what do you notice as you lose weight? Let me know. And, if you are reading my blog, please subscribe/follow! Thanks!

Dear Sugar: We need to talk…

Sugar, we have been virtually inseparable for 55 years. You have been there when I craved tasty, sweet morsels of delight…you helped me learn to love coffee…sweetened my saddest days with delicious pints of Ben & Jerry’s. You have been the best. But, Sugar, we have to have a serious talk. Yes, that talk.

About 6 weeks ago I eliminated you from my coffee and eschewed your added presence in my food. I’m not sure I was even conscious that I had left you…I was just trying to stick to my food plan. Honestly, I didn’t mean for it to be that abrupt...you’ve been there for me and I should have let you down easy. For two weeks I was without you and, oddly, I did not miss you. Then I took a week off from my eating plan, but still, I did not crave your sweet taste. So, I went back on my plan for another two weeks…five whole weeks without you and I lost almost 20 pounds. I am not blaming you for that 20 pounds, I am merely suggesting that you contributed.

But my birthday was lurking around the corner and I couldn’t imagine a celebration without you! We’d had such a blast on all the other ones! We could party all day and night and through the following days. You’d come over in the shape of a deliciously frosted cake and we would hang out until you were ­all gone. Every single morsel. I loved you. I craved you. OMG, I wanted to spread your frostinged self all over everything! So, I ordered the giant butter cream frosted Costco cake. The one with the maximum frosting, you know, the caterpillar! Globs of buttery sweetness just waiting to be scarfed. No one would dare claim a super-frosted bit of cake. I negotiated with Collier to take part of the cake immediately to his workplace. I then got to work on justifying eating the majority of the frosting. “Oh, I’ll just eat frosting, no cake. I don’t like the cake much anyway.”  SUGAR! You siren! You were luring me to the reef of destruction!

In a moment of extreme strength, I called Costco and cancelled you. That’s right. I made a decision to save myself. But that wasn’t enough of a hint for you. No. You couldn’t take it that I was choosing to avoid you. So you showed up in those blondies that Collier made. Damn you, Sugar! I ate three of you and…OMG…the love came flooding back. Yeah, I know you were wrong, but I forgave you. I took you back. You tasted amazing in your warm, gooey goodness all dribbled with caramel. I remembered all the good times. And then I got a massive stomach ache and headache. I knew it. I just knew it. That’s it. We’re through.

And then the birthday arrived. I tried to avoid you, but I got sadder and sadder as the day progressed. Finally I caved and bought you in the form of über-frosted cupcakes in horrid neon colors. Tiny cupcakes. I ate 3 of you. Smooth, creamy, delicious. OK. Maybe we don’t have to completely stop seeing each other. Maybe we can hang out a bit. Maybe you can dress up like a Jujy Fruit or a chocolate mousse? NOOOOOOO! You made me sick to my stomach. On my birthday! I hate you!

It’s probably going to be like this for awhile until it sinks in that we’re actually through. You can come to my parties, but our co-dependent relationship is over. I’ll always think you’re beautiful, but I have a real relationship now…with my healthier self.

Be accountable

Well, my back popped out again last Saturday. I was getting dressed to go to a memorial service and bent down quickly to put on shoes and “POP” went my low back. Taking no chances for a prolonged recovery, I wrote an apology to my friend, and then got into bed with an ice pack. I had to cancel my plans for Sunday, too. Two days of ice/heat alternation and intermittent rest and walking in my house, and I got a welcome crack of things going back into place. It will likely be a few more days until I can function well, but I am pleased it’s resolving more quickly than the last time.

                I have now lost 20 pounds…in 5 weeks and 3 days…on my own. I am eating small portions, mostly protein and veggies, some fruit, no added sugar, and I switched to whole milk from skim. I log every morsel of food I consume on LoseIt.com. I am planning better for shopping, sticking to my lists, and, because of this, less impulse food is coming into the house and (I hope) it’s helping everyone.

                It’s very difficult to admit that I am still struggling with my food issues. Gone is the mindset that I will eat <insert caloric item> again once I have “finished” losing weight. News flash: I will NEVER finish. It is going to be a lifelong challenge to be vigilant and sensible. I like eating socially. My family and friends like good food, beverages, and desserts. It’s fun to share meals and go out for drinks. However, when I am home I rarely consume alcohol, and don’t have a problem eating healthy foods (it’s portion control that’s my big problem), but I do have a tendency to eat mindlessly while watching waaaaaaaay too much television at night. During this back injury interlude I’ve read two books. I forgot how hard it is to eat mindlessly when you are holding a book and turning pages! I may have rediscovered my late night eating alternative!

                It’s going to be a few more days before I can walk well again, but I can resume walking the dog in 2 days (I’m ready), and be able to drive again (that’s a sitting thing – ouch!) I am looking forward to continued weight loss – my son pointed out that if I continue at this rate I could reach goal in 24 weeks…that’s a good goal. I don’t know where I will be in 24 weeks, but I do know that I will weigh less and be healthier than today. That feels really good.

                BTW, the extreme weight loss shows are really, really helping me…watching the people utter their excuses…(one woman gained 32 pounds in 3 weeks and said, “Maybe I’m not eating enough”)…I think about my own denial and I am ashamed.  So, here is a promise I make to myself here and now: I will be accountable – for good or other. How about you?

Healthy Eating is time consuming!

So, it’s been 3 weeks since I made a conscious commitment to healthier eating and I must say that I spend much more time in the kitchen! The fruit and vegetable prep alone take 45 minutes a day. In the past I have pre-prepped all of the veggies and fruit for the entire week on Sunday, but I find they feel less fresh when I go to eat them. The way I am doing it now requires me to think – multiple times per day – about what I am actually choosing to put in my body. Now I understand one of the components to my repeated failure at losing weight: I get lazy about food prep. It’s really, really simple to grab something prepared and pop it in the oven or microwave, but then you have no control over the ingredients. I am not sure I will never choose prepared food again, but I am one step closer to understanding how I might succeed in the long term.

Too glamorous for mundane tasks...

                I know my mom didn’t like to spend time in the kitchen. She was such a talented human being and she was regularly preoccupied with her latest painting or sewing project or writings. To her cooking was an interruption in her otherwise interesting day. I do not claim even a quarter of her creativity, but I fully embraced the “cooking is a chore” attitude. It’s funny, because holiday meals were more of an art project for her and the results were delicious and beautiful. I, too, make really terrific holiday meals and I work on them for days. So…I guess the challenge is to start viewing each day as a day to create a delicious and nutritious meal.

               Selfishly, as I am trying to gain control of myself again, I am not cooking for the rest of my family. I feel selfish because, somehow, I feel like my love for them should extend to their healthy eating. However, Collier works in the restaurant industry and eats there most days and when he’s home he already eats responsibly. My husband, on the other hand, makes some poor choices due to work stress and when I make healthy meals for him he eats those AND something else. I feel defeated and frustrated about that and, often, I let that frustration trigger me into overeating. So, no meals for the men until I feel much improved.

               Another odd thing I have noticed is that I am now very reluctant to eat outside my home - I worry I will make poor choices or overindulge. I read an article about “orthorexia” – which I don’t have, but the symptoms include fear of eating outside your control zone. A week ago we had dinner plans with family from out-of-town and, honestly, I was a little panicked before we went. But guess what? I made an awesome dinner choice! I chose a meal with lots of veggies and a yummy pickled egg. Dessert came and I had ONE spoonful of a chocolate budino. It was the perfect taste to complete the meal. It was encouraging to be able to enjoy a night out AND come home feeling good about what I picked. It really is one meal at a time in this process. One meal at a time. I can do this.

Dissonance.

                 I had to shop for groceries today. Both Trader Joe’s and Safeway lists were adhered to strictly. Loads of produce, eggs, fruit, and vegetables made the cart along with some meat, poultry, and fish. It was the poster for healthy choices. So, as I am walking through Trader Joe’s past all of the breads and pastries I think to myself, “Oooh, babka! I can’t wait until I finish my diet so I can eat that again.” Then at Safeway…”Wow. White cheddar popcorn. Yum. Have to lose the weight first.”

                Poor choices and excessive portions (even of healthy foods) are my Achilles heel.  I am great at dieting. When the will power kicks in it sticks and I am able to lose significant amounts of weight. I have lost multiple pounds over the past 10 days. I have stuck to strict portion control, high protein, low carb. It feels great. I am sleeping better already. But I will reach a weight that feels comfortable and I will stop dieting to allow my body to acclimate to a smaller size and increased activity. That’s when I am in danger.

                I have to think about the fact that part of my dieting success is that I do not snack. No matter how hungry I get, I don’t eat except at meal time. I don’t munch while watching television. When I prepare a meal I am conscious of the ingredients and the size of the portion. I take the time to prepare food – something I forego for convenience on a regular basis. When not dieting, I often eat based on emotional choices and to satisfy cravings without thinking about the sheer need for fuel and nutrition.

                I’d like to think that I can change the way I think. I have had, in the past, lengths of time (years) where my weight has been stable. I’d like to find that place again and stop putting my body on the constant roller coaster. I’d like to figure this out before I do serious damage to my health. I would like to change. Wish me luck.