What I have learned so far

So, since I started working on weight loss and feeling better on February 29, I have lost 22 pounds and kept it off. I am now in the next active losing phase and I want to share what I have learned. 

1. I eat more than I think I do. Duh. I wouldn’t be overweight if I consumed only for fueling. I binge and make excuses to myself and I bargain with my future self for calories ingested today. It’s like Wimpy offering to gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today. It doesn’t work that way.
2. Tracking food consumption is critical to success. One night I was having a hunger meltdown about 10 p.m. I was starving. But I had not logged my food (on the Lose It! App), so I got to it. Sure enough, I had eaten a sufficient amount of food for the day so I drank water and made a pot of tea. I did not die of starvation in the night. Shocking.
3. I feel so much better. My back seems to have recovered. My hips are still sore at the joint if I sit to long and I am fearful of quick movements, but 22 pounds has made a profound difference. There was a time when I thought I might never walk correctly again. I didn’t think I would ever run or hike…it was depressing. The longer the weight controlled my health, the more depressing my prospects were. The saddest thought was never riding my bike again. I was fortunate to be born with a strong body and I was ruining it out of total loss of self-control. 
4. Minimizing the use of extra added sugar is not even a little difficult. I eliminated sugar from coffee, tea, fruit (yeah, I sugared fruit), and cereal and I don’t even miss it. Occasionally I put raw sugar in iced tea as a treat. Wahoo! Unfortunately, this makes sweet treats almost unbearably sweet now.
5. Losing weight does not mean the end of enjoying food. I still eat everything I love. I still have cocktails and beer. Occasionally I will eat some junk food or a sweet treat. The difference is the amount and frequency of it. If you have it daily it isn’t, by definition, a treat. So treats happen infrequently and are truly savored.
6. This is the best part of all. I have a slow thyroid. Hypothyroidism runs in my family and can cause oodles of problems. I caught my decline early and it is controlled with a simple tablet each morning. It requires an annual blood test which shows the level of function. My most recent test shows a high functioning thyroid! OMG! So awesome. But that also means I cannot blame hypothyroidism for my weight. It is all on me to control my food intake and get some exercise.
7. Exercise. It’s difficult to do when you are in pain. Pain is alleviated with movement. See it? That Catch 22? Sure you do.  Up until about a month ago I could barely walk my dog. Then one day something fell into place in my spine and suddenly that no longer hurt. So I tried a short bike ride. Whee! Now I have ridden my bike many miles and I am very happy about it. I am not ready to take classes again – partially fear of re-injury and partially because I can’t trust my body completely yet.  That day is coming, though. I will have to yoga-Pilates my way back to full strength, I think.
8. Sleep. I need a full 8 hours and I am finally getting them. In a row. Every night! Hallelujah!

So, what do you notice as you lose weight? Let me know. And, if you are reading my blog, please subscribe/follow! Thanks!

Dear Sugar: We need to talk…

Sugar, we have been virtually inseparable for 55 years. You have been there when I craved tasty, sweet morsels of delight…you helped me learn to love coffee…sweetened my saddest days with delicious pints of Ben & Jerry’s. You have been the best. But, Sugar, we have to have a serious talk. Yes, that talk.

About 6 weeks ago I eliminated you from my coffee and eschewed your added presence in my food. I’m not sure I was even conscious that I had left you…I was just trying to stick to my food plan. Honestly, I didn’t mean for it to be that abrupt...you’ve been there for me and I should have let you down easy. For two weeks I was without you and, oddly, I did not miss you. Then I took a week off from my eating plan, but still, I did not crave your sweet taste. So, I went back on my plan for another two weeks…five whole weeks without you and I lost almost 20 pounds. I am not blaming you for that 20 pounds, I am merely suggesting that you contributed.

But my birthday was lurking around the corner and I couldn’t imagine a celebration without you! We’d had such a blast on all the other ones! We could party all day and night and through the following days. You’d come over in the shape of a deliciously frosted cake and we would hang out until you were ­all gone. Every single morsel. I loved you. I craved you. OMG, I wanted to spread your frostinged self all over everything! So, I ordered the giant butter cream frosted Costco cake. The one with the maximum frosting, you know, the caterpillar! Globs of buttery sweetness just waiting to be scarfed. No one would dare claim a super-frosted bit of cake. I negotiated with Collier to take part of the cake immediately to his workplace. I then got to work on justifying eating the majority of the frosting. “Oh, I’ll just eat frosting, no cake. I don’t like the cake much anyway.”  SUGAR! You siren! You were luring me to the reef of destruction!

In a moment of extreme strength, I called Costco and cancelled you. That’s right. I made a decision to save myself. But that wasn’t enough of a hint for you. No. You couldn’t take it that I was choosing to avoid you. So you showed up in those blondies that Collier made. Damn you, Sugar! I ate three of you and…OMG…the love came flooding back. Yeah, I know you were wrong, but I forgave you. I took you back. You tasted amazing in your warm, gooey goodness all dribbled with caramel. I remembered all the good times. And then I got a massive stomach ache and headache. I knew it. I just knew it. That’s it. We’re through.

And then the birthday arrived. I tried to avoid you, but I got sadder and sadder as the day progressed. Finally I caved and bought you in the form of über-frosted cupcakes in horrid neon colors. Tiny cupcakes. I ate 3 of you. Smooth, creamy, delicious. OK. Maybe we don’t have to completely stop seeing each other. Maybe we can hang out a bit. Maybe you can dress up like a Jujy Fruit or a chocolate mousse? NOOOOOOO! You made me sick to my stomach. On my birthday! I hate you!

It’s probably going to be like this for awhile until it sinks in that we’re actually through. You can come to my parties, but our co-dependent relationship is over. I’ll always think you’re beautiful, but I have a real relationship now…with my healthier self.

Be accountable

Well, my back popped out again last Saturday. I was getting dressed to go to a memorial service and bent down quickly to put on shoes and “POP” went my low back. Taking no chances for a prolonged recovery, I wrote an apology to my friend, and then got into bed with an ice pack. I had to cancel my plans for Sunday, too. Two days of ice/heat alternation and intermittent rest and walking in my house, and I got a welcome crack of things going back into place. It will likely be a few more days until I can function well, but I am pleased it’s resolving more quickly than the last time.

                I have now lost 20 pounds…in 5 weeks and 3 days…on my own. I am eating small portions, mostly protein and veggies, some fruit, no added sugar, and I switched to whole milk from skim. I log every morsel of food I consume on LoseIt.com. I am planning better for shopping, sticking to my lists, and, because of this, less impulse food is coming into the house and (I hope) it’s helping everyone.

                It’s very difficult to admit that I am still struggling with my food issues. Gone is the mindset that I will eat <insert caloric item> again once I have “finished” losing weight. News flash: I will NEVER finish. It is going to be a lifelong challenge to be vigilant and sensible. I like eating socially. My family and friends like good food, beverages, and desserts. It’s fun to share meals and go out for drinks. However, when I am home I rarely consume alcohol, and don’t have a problem eating healthy foods (it’s portion control that’s my big problem), but I do have a tendency to eat mindlessly while watching waaaaaaaay too much television at night. During this back injury interlude I’ve read two books. I forgot how hard it is to eat mindlessly when you are holding a book and turning pages! I may have rediscovered my late night eating alternative!

                It’s going to be a few more days before I can walk well again, but I can resume walking the dog in 2 days (I’m ready), and be able to drive again (that’s a sitting thing – ouch!) I am looking forward to continued weight loss – my son pointed out that if I continue at this rate I could reach goal in 24 weeks…that’s a good goal. I don’t know where I will be in 24 weeks, but I do know that I will weigh less and be healthier than today. That feels really good.

                BTW, the extreme weight loss shows are really, really helping me…watching the people utter their excuses…(one woman gained 32 pounds in 3 weeks and said, “Maybe I’m not eating enough”)…I think about my own denial and I am ashamed.  So, here is a promise I make to myself here and now: I will be accountable – for good or other. How about you?

Healthy Eating is time consuming!

So, it’s been 3 weeks since I made a conscious commitment to healthier eating and I must say that I spend much more time in the kitchen! The fruit and vegetable prep alone take 45 minutes a day. In the past I have pre-prepped all of the veggies and fruit for the entire week on Sunday, but I find they feel less fresh when I go to eat them. The way I am doing it now requires me to think – multiple times per day – about what I am actually choosing to put in my body. Now I understand one of the components to my repeated failure at losing weight: I get lazy about food prep. It’s really, really simple to grab something prepared and pop it in the oven or microwave, but then you have no control over the ingredients. I am not sure I will never choose prepared food again, but I am one step closer to understanding how I might succeed in the long term.

Too glamorous for mundane tasks...

                I know my mom didn’t like to spend time in the kitchen. She was such a talented human being and she was regularly preoccupied with her latest painting or sewing project or writings. To her cooking was an interruption in her otherwise interesting day. I do not claim even a quarter of her creativity, but I fully embraced the “cooking is a chore” attitude. It’s funny, because holiday meals were more of an art project for her and the results were delicious and beautiful. I, too, make really terrific holiday meals and I work on them for days. So…I guess the challenge is to start viewing each day as a day to create a delicious and nutritious meal.

               Selfishly, as I am trying to gain control of myself again, I am not cooking for the rest of my family. I feel selfish because, somehow, I feel like my love for them should extend to their healthy eating. However, Collier works in the restaurant industry and eats there most days and when he’s home he already eats responsibly. My husband, on the other hand, makes some poor choices due to work stress and when I make healthy meals for him he eats those AND something else. I feel defeated and frustrated about that and, often, I let that frustration trigger me into overeating. So, no meals for the men until I feel much improved.

               Another odd thing I have noticed is that I am now very reluctant to eat outside my home - I worry I will make poor choices or overindulge. I read an article about “orthorexia” – which I don’t have, but the symptoms include fear of eating outside your control zone. A week ago we had dinner plans with family from out-of-town and, honestly, I was a little panicked before we went. But guess what? I made an awesome dinner choice! I chose a meal with lots of veggies and a yummy pickled egg. Dessert came and I had ONE spoonful of a chocolate budino. It was the perfect taste to complete the meal. It was encouraging to be able to enjoy a night out AND come home feeling good about what I picked. It really is one meal at a time in this process. One meal at a time. I can do this.

Dissonance.

                 I had to shop for groceries today. Both Trader Joe’s and Safeway lists were adhered to strictly. Loads of produce, eggs, fruit, and vegetables made the cart along with some meat, poultry, and fish. It was the poster for healthy choices. So, as I am walking through Trader Joe’s past all of the breads and pastries I think to myself, “Oooh, babka! I can’t wait until I finish my diet so I can eat that again.” Then at Safeway…”Wow. White cheddar popcorn. Yum. Have to lose the weight first.”

                Poor choices and excessive portions (even of healthy foods) are my Achilles heel.  I am great at dieting. When the will power kicks in it sticks and I am able to lose significant amounts of weight. I have lost multiple pounds over the past 10 days. I have stuck to strict portion control, high protein, low carb. It feels great. I am sleeping better already. But I will reach a weight that feels comfortable and I will stop dieting to allow my body to acclimate to a smaller size and increased activity. That’s when I am in danger.

                I have to think about the fact that part of my dieting success is that I do not snack. No matter how hungry I get, I don’t eat except at meal time. I don’t munch while watching television. When I prepare a meal I am conscious of the ingredients and the size of the portion. I take the time to prepare food – something I forego for convenience on a regular basis. When not dieting, I often eat based on emotional choices and to satisfy cravings without thinking about the sheer need for fuel and nutrition.

                I’d like to think that I can change the way I think. I have had, in the past, lengths of time (years) where my weight has been stable. I’d like to find that place again and stop putting my body on the constant roller coaster. I’d like to figure this out before I do serious damage to my health. I would like to change. Wish me luck.

I HAVE NEVER FAILED AT A DIET

Here’s a fact: I have never failed to succeed on a diet. When I commit to weight loss I exhibit a steely resolve to eschew all foods not included in my current plan – whatever that may be. This past Monday I found that steely resolve again.

My 55^th birthday is coming up, and, frankly, I don’t feel 55. I feel young and vibrant. I want my insides to be reflected in my outside ability. Spending the last 9 months recovering from the most ridiculous back injury in the universe has taught me one thing: if I do only one thing this year it must be lose the weight that is stopping me from being me. It feels awful to me to be incapacitated by my own weight – brought on by repeated poor choices.

I have to say that it is very nice to be fit and at a normal weight. But it is also possible to be fit and healthy at an above average weight. I have been thin exactly twice in my life. Once when I was on a mission to wear a size 8 (on my giant-boned frame), and once – for a long while – when I was teaching aerobics 12 classes per week, working 3 jobs, dancing all weekend, and going to college. Being thin is way too much effort for the life I enjoy. But there is no reason I can’t get to a decent weight and reasonable fitness that allows me to walk long distances, hike our beautiful hills in the Bay Area, ride my bike, dance with my husband, take classes I enjoy, and just generally not feel like crap all day. I’d like to be around for a long while and it’s no secret that movement is critical for longevity.

                So, I started my most recent weight loss campaign on Monday. I am down several pounds and this time I know it isn’t water weight because I drink so much water all the time. This time it is actual poundage. My strategy is to diet off 20-30 pounds so my hips don’t hurt anymore when I am awake or asleep (it’s already improving!). Once I am there I will plan another strategy.

                I feel like I need to protect myself, too. My son, while living at home, is pretty independent and good about making meals. My husband will definitely cook for himself, but I worry about his choices. I am trying to set a good example without taking on the responsibility for his choices. One of the ways I lose focus is to cook for others when I am trying to stick to a plan – I start with tastes of things, then “well, one meal off plan won’t hurt,” and then it’s doughnuts.  So, I let the family know that I have to focus on me. I’ll still shop, but I am less inclined (slightly less) to bring dessert items and snack foods home. I definitely won’t have my trigger foods in the house – sorry Salt & Vinegar chips people…

                Anyway, the plan is to stop hurting and then go from there. Let’s see where I am in a week. 

The ways we lie to ourselves

     So, I’ve been watching this show called “My 600 lb Life” which shows people who are morbidly obese undergo gastric bypass surgery. The people on this show choose this path because if they don’t they will likely die at an early age from complications due to extreme obesity and immobility. The patients’ lives are chronicled on camera – so the audience sees the choices they make after surgery. Some patients are very determined to change. Post surgery they take eating changes seriously, incorporate exercise as they regain mobility, and start to make other lifestyle changes that should guarantee their success. Then there are the other patients…the ones in denial. This is where I pay close attention.

     Some of the patients on this show make no changes whatsoever. Tonight I watched while one woman kept blaming the surgery, the doctor, the universe for her lack of weight loss post surgery. She did not blame the fried chicken, butter and gravy drenched potatoes, potato chips, ice cream, and other poor choices. She bullied her husband into enabling her. It made me sad – I know food addiction is a real thing and I know denial is a real thing.

     Some of you have been reading this blog. Many of you have known me most of my life while my weight fluctuates from super fit to super flab. Although I prefer my super fit body for all of the groovy things it can do, I am not much into self-loathing, so I try to accept myself as I am. However, when I started to write BlubberBlabber, I promised myself that I would be critically aware. The ways I lie to myself are subtle, but they impede my progress.

     For the longest time I gave myself credit for “exercising” if I took my dog for a walk. He’s a bulldog. On his best day he could walk 2.5 miles; I have never walked him that far. We have never walked faster than a slow meander. But boy, I couldn’t wait to pat myself on the back for that effort…because it was a big effort for me then. I also lied to myself that I was generally more active than I was. I have lied to myself about how much and what I actually eat. Oh, and for a while I was eating the movie-sized Jujyfruits. Yeah. By myself.

     In 2013 I promised myself that I would get truly active. I started riding my bike, taking Bar Method classes, and going to yoga a bit more often. I walked instead of driving. All of these changes resulted in reduction in size, but not in weight. So I took my diet in hand – got back on Nutrisystem. Lost some weight, stuck with my new exercise regime. I have to say I was feeling very strong and the lifestyle was becoming habit. But then, one very, VERY stressful day in May 2015, I twisted my sacrum. The pain from this injury was excruciating and, sadly, the only course of recovery was rest. Six weeks mostly in bed, months of very slow stretching. Using the lift to get into the public pool because being in the water, weightless, was the only relief. A million aspirin and nine months later and I am happy that I can walk 5 blocks to meet some friends for dinner. It’s now a thrill to go for those meandering walks with my bulldog because now it really is exercise. I have lost most of my fitness, and gained back every pound. While I am back at the starting point, I have renewed my promise to myself to be honest and aware about food and exercise. And, once more, I am determined. Here I go...again.